I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath

hotllama @ 2007-01-08T23:41:00

2007-01-09T06:04:42Z

To whom it may concern:
Here's a sketch of what my life will look like in the next few years.

Spring 07
16 hours of classes at U of I, English and Psyc courses, work at IUB, work at the Psyc lab. I'll be livin' at Strat, having fun with all the girls and being crazy! I also have a Spring break trip to Spain and France :) I'll be going up to Chicago to visit Zach a lot :) :)

Summer 07
I'll most likely be living in Champaign this summer, either at Strat or an apartment. I'm looking for a law internship around the area, and I'll probably find a waitressing job (so I don't have to work at IUB all summer). I'm sure there will be some fun trip in there, and I really feel the pull to go on a mission trip.

Fall 07
The plan is to go study abroad in Australia!! I just need to find a program I like and get accepted into it. I'm going to spend 4 months with the kangaroos and dingos! I can swim in the Great Barrier Reef! I can finally learn how surf and speak with a cool accent. I'm excited.

Spring 08
I'll be finishing up my college career, taking the last few courses I need. I'll either live at Strat or find someone to get an apartment with. I'm not sure if or where I'll work. I might just slack all semester, take 12 hours, be as social as possible. Also, I'll be applying to law schools and worrying about that.

Fall 08
If all goes according to plan, and I really feel like God is calling me to law school, then that's where I'll be. Not sure where yet, but I'm betting it'll be in the Chicagoland area. So this'll be 3 years. Yup.

This is my plan so far. I'm sure lots of things could and will change, especially concerning my plans after graduation. But I guess that's the fun of living. :)

hotllama @ 2007-01-06T22:10:00

2007-01-07T04:15:14Z

This could all work out. We could very possibly end well. You could be all that I'm looking for, my best friend and the one who makes my heart race. You could be my companion, the one who listens and loves me and holds me in your arms every night.

Are you?

I am both thrilled and terrified that you might be.

what i want

2007-01-04T07:58:40Z

New Year's Resolutions

-- work out on a regular basis (I know it's a cliche but it's true) - in preperation for getting my belly button pierced in febuary.

-- be more outgoing - in class, at Strat, in other activities. I want to put myself out there more, and if I'm getting into law school, I'm going to need some recommendations from professors

-- read books that challenge me - whether it be my ideas on faith, on people, or on myself

-- let people in - i so rarely really get to know other people - really get to know them. I want to make myself vulnerable, and love other people more than i love myself.

-- figure out what exactly it is that i want to do with my life. even a working model would be nice. i would like, by the end of the year, to be on my way to my career.

-- go on a mission trip this summer - i've been thinking more and more about how much i'd love to do this. i will very probably go with TCBC or a campus organization.

-- study abroad - planning on next fall, heading to sydney australia :) to be with the kangaroos and dingos

-- be SO much better with reading my bible. I am terrible at this, completely inconsistent. i want to be in an intimate relationship with God, not just a casual one.

hotllama @ 2006-12-06T07:48:00

2006-12-06T07:48:29Z

As of currently...

Things I like:
Regina Spektor
Sun Chips
Watching Talk Sex with Jess
Dreaming about Paris
Feminism
Walking to classes slowly
Winter Break is 1.5 weeks away
Long underwear/wool socks/ hats/ all things warm
Going home
Courier
My Christmas-themed room
Wall Street Journal
Pete Yorn concerts at the Canopy
Looking forward to reading Anna Karenina, All the King's Men, Atlas Shrugged, The End of Poverty, and A Generous Orthodoxy

Things I dislike:
ENGL 209
Cold weather
LAS Office
Illini Union Bookstore
Finals in general. grr.
Having to plan for summer now
The cold dorm

I think that's about it!

hotllama @ 2006-10-23T05:43:00

2006-10-23T05:44:19Z

I got bored today and dyed my hair blonde. Now I am uber-blonde. I could take over the world.

hotllama @ 2006-10-10T18:55:00

2006-10-10T23:59:22Z

I never thought I was a hopeless romantic, but it turns out I am. I am willing to give everything I have to making this work, and I have.

I pray that it works.

hotllama @ 2006-10-10T13:36:00

2006-10-10T18:40:49Z

This sucks. I'm working too much, so I decided to quit Za's. When I called my boss, he said that he just gave me a raise today. :( :(

So should I keep to my convictions, and quit a job that I like more (that pays $1 more as well), or quit the bookstore? (I hate the bookstore, but I'd like to have that recommendation for law school).

Stupid life!

hotllama @ 2006-09-06T01:21:00

2006-09-06T06:35:15Z

Things have been crazygonuts lately. I'm working 3 seperate jobs, starting a new school year, and I've been homeless for the past 2 weeks.

Strat was just "finished" today. I've been living out of a laundry basket and sleeping on a couch in the old house. Tomorrow I finally get to move in to the house, even though most of the downstairs is still not finished. But still, yay! I have a home!

I'm working at IUB still (even though it sucks big time!), and Za's (the people there are fabulous), and I just got a position at a Psyc Lab on campus. I'm not sure yet whether I'll like it, but at least I'll get some research experience for grad school.

I think I may have lost something this summer. And I'm not sure I can get it back.

Vague statements aside, I'm completely exhausted, I must go sleep now.

hotllama @ 2006-08-01T01:33:00

2006-08-01T06:52:22Z

Entertainment Update:
This is what I've been filling my head with lately

*I finished Middlesex, an incredibly well-written, albeit very disturbing book. It gave me way more information about hermaphrodites than I wanted to have, but the epic quality and family connections were amazing.

*I'm now obsessed with the Elizabethtown soundtrack. The movie's okay, a sort of southern Garden State, but the soundtrack is unbelievable. It's a lot of soulful, grass-roots fused, early 90s-feel music. Ryan Adams, Tom Petty, and Elton John, among others. It makes me want to drive in the country, write a book, and fall in love all at once :)

*I just saw This Scanner Darkly..and after reading some reviews, I must say I agree with all of them, good and bad. It's super-interesting, so well done visually, and very well-acted. Yet it is so confusing and ultra-dark. I'm just glad I finally got to see a movie this summer without pirates or superheroes.

*I'm hoping to finish Freakonomics soon, it is also fascinating. It definitely reminds me of Tipping Point, except much more detailed and without a unifying theme (which the author admits). I'm only a chapter in, so I shall see how it turns out.

*Oh, and I got the new Snow Patrol album! Unbelievable! It's so comfortable. I don't know why, it's like meeting someone and immediately feeling like you've known them your whole life. I probably shouldn't feel this way about an album, but it's true! And they mention Sufjan in a song! Crazy.

Okay, well I need to crash, but I hoped you enjoyed my summary of things that thrill me.

books books books

2006-07-21T06:10:26Z

So here goes my list..

Books I've read this summer

Books I am desperately am Trying to Read in the next month.

I just bought the last four at a 25% sale at IUB (!!!) So this is pretty much what I'm going to spend the rest of my summer doing, if anyone needs me.

hotllama @ 2006-07-12T00:29:00

2006-07-12T05:29:52Z

I live in Champaign now, come hang out with me!

hotllama @ 2006-07-02T01:20:00

2006-07-02T06:20:20Z

My hands smell like Za's and fireworks.

hotllama @ 2006-06-29T01:54:00

2006-06-29T07:06:22Z

I finished Lolita tonight - it was definitely one of the most beautiful and horrifying books I've ever read. This author, Nabokov, is absolutely unbelievable, how he can twist and shape debacherous events into something eloquent and magnificant. And English isn't even his first language!

Life has been supremely present as of late. I'm working at Za's, soon to be working much more, and I enjoy it. It's not fabulous by any means, but it's interesting and challenging (at least now, while I'm trying to learn everything). I went boating/ wakeboarding/ camping last weekend, which was lovely. I'm still incredibly sore, but so glad I got out into the world. I went up to Chicago today, to see a Fire game with my family. Oh, and I'll be going to Chicago this weekend for Taste of Chicago. I love the globe-trotting life!

I had a notion today, that I might pursue Architecture as a major. I've thought about this before, but today I gave it serious consideration. Italy was so fascinating....Venice was built on wooden planks! I'm not a huge fan of art, but I absolutely love knowing how things work....how you can build anything at all! I'm trying not to make too many rash decisions, but I'm going in to talk to the Arch Undergrad office tomorrow. I really need to pray about this all, I feel that I may be able to jump into something, as long as I have at least a smidgen of confidence that this is the direction God wants me to go.

I suppose that's all for now, I should get to sleep so I can work in the morning! Bonne soirs mes belles.

hotllama @ 2006-06-21T10:12:00

2006-06-21T15:12:49Z

I'm finally 19!! And I got a job at Za's. That is all.

yo.

2006-06-10T16:27:46Z

Ciao! I'm back from Italy! I'm actually in Chicago right now, about to leave my brother's apartment and head home. Italy was phenomenal, it was seriously the most fun I've ever had in my life. I miss all my friends already :( We spent all our time together, they really were like my family. Anyways, I'll be home in a few hours and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone! You stay classy, Mahomet.

hotllama @ 2006-05-09T16:53:00

2006-05-09T21:55:52Z

News: I'll probably be living in Chambana this summer. I'm going to sublet an apartment from my friend Trisha, who lives on the corner of Lincoln and Oregon. It's pretty cheap, and I wouldn't have to drive in and out of Champaign to work at the bookstore. Basically all I'm waiting to make this decision final is a job - I need to talk to a few departments at the bookstore, and if all goes well, I'll be working 30+ hours, and I'll get the apartment of my dreams. :)

hotllama @ 2006-05-04T12:49:00

2006-05-04T18:01:57Z

Whew! These past couple of days have been absolutely crazy. I'm finally done with classes, so I'll be spending the next couple days getting ready for finals. I'm just so relieved that all of my papers, exams and such are done with now. And I don't have to go to class anymore. That's defintely fun.

I met with my Italy group last night at Murfey's and I am now confident that this trip is going to be amazing. We're all very excited about living it up, seeing everything, and doing the least amount of work possible. It really is going to be a fun trip, I can't wait to go in a couple weeks.

I've been feeling lately that I've been holding myself back. I've been so busy with work and school and homework that I haven't even seen any of my Allen friends lately. That, and I'm definitely ready to explore the party scene here at U of I; I've just kinda chilled this year, never really going and trying things. I'm absolutely sick of that, I'm planning on going out MUCH more next year. I think Italy will be a good introduction for that, we'll all be together and doing as much as we can. :) And next year I'll be 19, so I can finally go to bars.

Okay, well I'm gonna go grab something to eat and do some reading before work. I can't wait to see you all, come June :)

hotllama @ 2006-05-01T01:23:00

2006-05-01T06:43:46Z

What a weekend...

Saturday I spent from 1-7 writing a paper, then went off to Rach Mess's birthday party, had a blast, met some Strat/Koin people, played some 5-person Euchre. Then Zach and I watched "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang", a fabulous movie...Val Kilmre is a gay private eye. Where can you go wrong?

Woke up today around 1 (heh), finished paper (12 pages in all), made pancakes with Krista, wrote another 5-page paper, came home and wrote a 1-page response.

So yes, I've very very tired of working. The problem is that I've stayed up til 3 or 4 every night, so I'm not tired tired. Meh.

I'm ready to be done with school, done with papers and exams, ready to be in Italy and relaxing.

I think we all feel that way.

So I didn't have time to read all of the novels for my British class, so I'm reading them all after classes, before finals. Here's what I'll be reading:

Howards End by E.M. Forster
To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf
Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
Buddha of Suburbia by Hanif Kureishi - I actually really recommend this book. It's about a half-Indian, half-English 20-year-old guy growing up in London in the 60s. It's really entertaining and enlightening. Just F.Y.I., it's really sexually explicit, not for the faint of heart.

Just for kicks, I'll list the books I read for my other English class:

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler
Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison
The Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston
Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
White Noise by Don DeLillo
Jazz by Toni Morrison

and about half of Catch-22 for my English paper (interesting, but SO repetative)

Books are fun.

attracts me like no other lover

2006-04-26T06:54:25Z

I really should be going to bed. I don't know, something about having so much to do stresses me out, and I don't really want to go to bed. I'm strange. Here are some things on my mind lately.

God has been working in my life, as usual. Amazing, considering how much I've been slacking :( I'm terrible about doing quiet times on a regular basis, about praying for people, just about everything in fact. I guess that's what I've been realizing. I feel a little bit like Paul when he writes: "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst." (1 Timothy 1:15). Yeah. I'm pretty much a failure. I am the worst of sinners, I constantly put other things before God, I'm ungrateful and unloving. But I am constantly forgiven, constantly loved more than I can imagine. I am extroidinarilly grateful, that God has given me such life and joy and peace, in spite of my own failure as a human being :) Ah well, maybe someday I'll have this whole "life" thing together. Until then, I will trust Christ will fufill me and carry me when I don't seem to be able to get everything together.

Another God thing, I've been so AMAZED by his word lately. Everytime I read it, or hear it, I just feel ultimately refreshed, exhilarated, revitalized. I feel new, I feel ready. I feel convicted oftentimes, but I feel that God has given me the strength and the resources to do such remarkable things. I guess I'm just surprised that I can feel both incredibly moved and set on fire by scripture, and yet fail so incredibly at putting it into practice.

I've been very lost in my thoughts lately. I wander around campus, thinking and smelling the air (there are so many flowering trees, it's intoxicating). I lay out on the quad, bask in the sun, read strange books and think. I wander about Urbana with Zach, play on the merry-go-round, stare at the sky and think. Maybe it's my strange way of coping with everything going on right now, but I've been so spacey and dreamy, completely absorbed in whatever theory or character or philosophical idea seems to be entertaining at the time.

Ah, and Zachary. I can't belive we've been dating almost a year. It really doesn't feel like that long, this year's gone by so fast. It's been a blast, it's been growing. We walk the gardens, watch weird hitchcock movies I think will be good, talk about God, about friends, philosophies, politics, books, music, spirituality, family. I've given him my love for pizza, he's given me a love of arguing. :) I could go on and on about this, but I think I'll stop out of consideration for those who don't like hearing about my mushy love life.

Truly, I am blessed and stressed. I can't wait til this summer, til finals are over and I can walk down the streets of Venice with some crazy Americans. I just need to get through these next couple weeks, 3 finals, 2 exams, 2 papers, a whole semester's worth of journal entries (whoops), blogs, and a few more books. *sigh*

P.S. I did not really intend to make this entry that long, it just seemed to happen. Forgive me if you didn't want to commit to that much reading.

bemoan

2006-04-25T18:30:30Z

Eh, I'm feeling rather unsettled right now. I just have too much stuff going on, I can't seem to get any real work done, I'm frustrated by Allen people, and I'm a little upset that I'm leaving for Italy RIGHT after finals. No going home or seeing people really until I get back in mid-June. Ah, well. In my frustration with life, I will do, as Sarah calls it, the

1. Are you wearing a necklace? nope
2. Does your computer have a mouse? yes, it's tiny
3. Who is the main person you talk to in each of your classes? umm random people, tim roy, jon, marta, trisha, etc.
4. Do you have a cut on your nose? i have a piercing :) that kinda counts
5. What color is your shirt? blue with beatles
6. How many bedrooms do you have in your house? umm 4 at home, 1 all-purpose room at school
7. What song are you listening to? jet airliner - steve miller band
8. What's the last mall you went to? it's been a while, probably marketplace
9. Are you alone? In what sense? currently i'm alone in my room, but not really otherwise
10. Do you have any older siblings? yup, 3
11. What is the last thing you ate? mmm saltine crackers
12. Who was the last person to come over to your house? umm my dorm? melissa :) okay, she lives here.
13.Who was the last person to call you? zachary
14. Who was the last person who texted you? brian
15. What time is it? 1:21
16. What should you be doing? showering/ reading catch-22
17. Who is the last person you IMed? brian
18. Did you go out to eat yesterday? nope
19. What are you thinking right now? i'm so ready to be out of school
21. What color is your keyboard? silverish
22. What do you feel like eating/drinking? nothing really, maybe some strawberry/apple juice
23. Are you in college? yup
24. What is the last word you wrote? "That's a gay question."
25. Are you bored? nope, just procrastinating
26. Whats your favorite Store? i like pac sun in the mall, h&m, random hippie stores i find in my travels :)
28. Do you wear glasses? yeah, i need to get new ones soon
29. What color are your shoes? purple! i just got some sweet purple pumas for italy
31. Last thing you drank? milk
32. Last word you typed? "Stop asking gay questions."
34. Who do you love? lots of people: my parents, my siblings, zachary, my friends, my dogs :)
35. What are you doing right now? eh.
36. What time is it now? let's stop this now
37. What are you looking at? the doors poster behind my computer
38. What's the last words you said? out loud? iunno, whatever I said to Knice
39. Do you have lip gloss on? nope, all natural
40. Do you have eyeliner on? nope
41. Did u realize there was no question number 33? *le sigh* this is exhausting
42. Do you have a cut on your pointer finger? nope
43. Where is your cell phone at? on my desk
44. Do you have any friends named robbie? i have a cousin named rob, and a friend named bob, that should count
46. Do you have any friends named nikki? not really
47. Are you afraid of the dark? only at home in my big room
48. Did you used to watch the show "are you afraid of the dark?" of course!
49. Are you crushing on someone right now? indeed i am
50. What size shoe are you? 7 1/2

hotllama @ 2006-04-18T01:22:00

2006-04-18T06:29:29Z

So despite this being a uber-crappy day, it managed to end quite well. I played softball on a spur-the-moment intramural team put together by my friend Matt. We were soundly trounced (19-1) but it was so fun. I definitely want to play softball/volleyball/soccer/ultimate frisbee this summer. I'll definitely try to get some things together this summer when I get back from Italy.

I also sent in my applications for 2 psyc labs and Barnes and Noble. Now I just have to wait to hear from them, and figure out my schedule at IUB. Mm..it will be a busy summer indeed.

I am now reading "Heart of Darkness", "Jazz" and "To the Lighthouse" (and Catch-22 sorta-kinda-maybe). I'm glad I like to read.

And I think these lyrics seem very much to apply:

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
words will go
From poetry to prose

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

hotllama @ 2006-04-15T00:15:00

2006-04-15T05:26:17Z

Update time!

So I'm at home for Easter weekend, I just had a fabulous night with my family. We hung out, made dinner, talked, joked, sat out on the porch and finally watched Billy Elliot. It's been a while since we've all been together, everything seems that much sweeter. But, since everyone else in my family besides me has a 9-5 job, they're all asleep now. Which leaves me, sitting around and wondering if I should write my paper.

I think I finalized my shedule for next semester. I realized that I just needed to take 9 more hours to get an English major instead of a minor, so I thought, "why not?". I love my English classes, we just read books and talk about them. So yes, I'll be going for the double major in Psyc and English. I don't really know what I want to do with my life just yet, and the double major will make me a little bit more versatile when I get out of college. And I'll hopefully still graduate in 3 years, pending what happens with my study abroad stuff.

Umm...what else. School is hectic. I'm supposed to read Catch 22, Heart of Darkness, and the beginning of Toni Morrison's Jazz by this weekend. And write a 5-page and a 8-10 page paper. I guess we'll see what gets done. The problem is that I'm already in summer mode, thinking about Italy and it's becoming increasingly difficult to actually do anything.

I really want to know what job(s) I'll be having this summer. It'd make me feel better knowing I have an income available when I get back from Italy. Last summer was fun, but I'm too task-oriented/ must-contribue-to-society-minded to just lay around all summer.

Mkay, well I'm gonna go start some of my reading, hope you all have a happy Easter.

hotllama @ 2006-04-03T17:14:00

2006-04-03T22:41:07Z

I feel like a major pill-popper. I just took my antibiotics, ibuprofen and some cough syrup. I've had a terrible cold for a week, coughing, achiness, fever, all those fun things. Most of my weekend was spent in my bed watching the "America's Next Top Model" marathon.

I watched "Capote" last night, post storm. It was super-interesting, very well-acted, super-everything. I read about half of "In Cold Blood" over break, so it was amazing to find out how involved he was with all the characters in the story. My favorite line was definitely, "It was like we grew up in the same house, except he went out the back door and I went out the front." I loved it.

I'm writing a paper about Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse-Five" and Joseph Heller's "Catch-22". Oh yes. I love this class. I just have to read "Catch-22" now, in between writing my three other research papers and reading six other books. And trying my darndest to get healthy.

These are the classes I'm taking next semester:
Psyc 239: Community Psyc
Stats 100: Statistics
IB 150: Organismal & Evolutionary Biology
MCB 150: Molec & Cellular Basis of Life
ENGL 201: Critical Approaches to Lit

This schedule is a) tentative and b) really crappy. a) because since I'm not technically a psyc major, I can't sign up for any real psyc courses for a few weeks. And b) because I'm considering being a bio/psyc double major, I have to take some bio courses. I think they should be interesting, but my schedule looks overwhelmingly sciency. As much as I love science, my brain needs some literature.

This is a longish post. I need to take a shower, hope all is well with everyone else.

hotllama @ 2006-03-30T08:37:00

2006-03-30T14:37:36Z

Found my phone again! Call me.

hotllama @ 2006-03-25T00:05:00

2006-03-25T06:16:45Z

I just got back from Pennsylvania, twas an incredible trip. We saw so much cool stuff, lots of pictures of all us in front of historical monuments. Lots of eating. Lots of playing gin rumy. I will post pictures as soon as I get them.

I read Kurt Vonneget's "Slaughter-house Five", half of "The Tipping Point" and about half of Truman Capote's "In Cold Blood". The latter is incredible, a really interesting book. Unfortunately, the book talks about a family of four that is murdered in their homes for no reason. And I get to sleep in an empty house tonight. :) Fun.

Rhonda's wedding is tomorrow, it should be fun and incredibly weird. C'est la vie!